


When You Love Someone

by rischaa



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, also side ships are soft, also there's lotsa hugs and cuddling, changbin is a mess, he needs to get it together, i feel bad ugh he deserved better, i mention jeongin like three times, w/ survival show era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 04:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15987806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rischaa/pseuds/rischaa
Summary: `instead of having the first thing soulmates say tattooed are on each other, a random sentence is tattooed on their skin their soulmate says around them. the tattoo will then sting, leaving remnants of a faded tattoo.`-four years and counting since his tattoo has appeared and changbin knows he’s meant for heartbreak.the heartbreak fleets by, lingers, then returns. its name is felix.





	When You Love Someone

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to the people who have supported me in the skz twt gcs i'm a part of!
> 
> here's my thanks for the support especially from cécile, moon, reyna and many others i may have forgotten their names of!! i've finally finished this after working on it for many months!  
> -  
> this is unbeta'd, sorry! (so sorry for the spelling/grammatical errors! pls inform me in the comments down below, if you come across any!)
> 
> canon compliant with scenes from survival show era (also, yes, the title is a day6 song)  
> \- 
> 
> enjoy reading!

_Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick-_

 

Fingers flip to the next page, the echo of the falling pages resounding through the soundless classroom- one voice speaking meekly. He doesn’t mind the voice at all, it’s just-- _he’s read ahead, already._

 

This girl reading was going to cry when she read the next few lines and he sighs, resigned to the probable events. He watches her at the side of his eye out of boredom; his fingers drumming a tune onto the wooden table and then he notices her hesitate when she starts reading her designated page.

 

 _There we go,_ he shakes his head and reads further ahead through the book. By the time he’s passed two pages in a different chapter; he can hear her voice become thick, choking on her own words. He looks up and brushing the strands of hair aside, he looks at the teacher accusingly, at her, then sighing as he returned to the page he was reading.

 

The teacher almost seems amused at the situation with those downturned lazy eyes curiously watching her resolve break away. It’s almost as if the teacher found it to be entertainment- to watch the girl with _the word_ crying as she read the passages slowly and carefully for everyone. She was shaking, tears brimming at the edge of her eyes and her ears flushing red. _Wasn’t he going to stop her from reading?_

 

 _“Th-the word_ … has been known to become the phenomenon of centuries by others as people with-” the girl takes a deep breath and letting the tears slip as he shuts her eyes to regain composure, “-people with the tattoo are known to have the hardest time ending up with their destined _s-soulmate._ ”

 

 _“Sometimes,”_ she pauses, taking a deep breath and continues, “ _they never get together,_ ” she sighs; sits down in her chair that clumsily squeaks when pulled closer to the desk. He watches her hold a straight face while the next reader stands from their seat to finish the rest of the chapter. He wants to tell himself he didn’t hear her choke back her sobs throughout the lesson, but he did.

 

Changbin doesn’t blame her for it at all. How she reacted to all that’s happened- _the teachers smiling curiously at the situation, the sniggering ingrates on the other side of the class, and the girls whispering in disgust—_ he doesn’t blame her for feeling an overwhelming urge to cry.  He _can’t_ even bring himself to blame her for feeling that way.

 

_Not when he has the same word etched unto him._

* * *

He finds out, later on, that the girl’s soulmate has left her for someone else just a few months back and said them as they boarded the plane. Changbin doesn’t realize how much it hurts to get left- but he supposes it really does hurt. Especially when you were pre-destined to end with this soulmate who left you for another. He finds it ironic that she’s smiling as she narrates it to him for a few minutes.

 

When Changbin is nearly done wrapping his scarf around his neck, then slinging his bag on, she asks him with an innocent smile-

 

_“What does yours say?”_

 

Changbin scoffs and chuckles mockingly, leaving the room for the cafeteria telling her he hasn’t got one. Of course, he’s lying when he says that. But who can blame him for that? All everyone just goes through is pain when they have _the word_ etched unto their skin. He wants to forget that night he received the stupid sentence.

 

There’s the fact that there’s a constant reminder as they teach it every year and when you finally get it, you know you’re in trouble in the future. Some people get it early, even before fifteen and to see some ten-year-old start crying uncontrollably and be the laughingstock, and seeing it before, Changbin had decided long before, _the system is truly fucked up._

Then another reminder. _Fuck, this system must really like reminders,_ Changbin huffs resignedly as he pulls off his scarf and starts to eat the food on his tray. The bokum bap tastes blander than usual. He frowns at that.

 

 _Must be all the soulmate talk,_ Changbin passive aggressively finishes the serving and _oh yeah-_ yes, the other reminder.

 

When the words are finally said, you’re left with a _faded remnant_ — a faint outline of your sentence. For those with _the word_ , it’s something that’s often talked of in old legends- the feeling of sorrow when one looks at it. Frankly enough, Changbin hates the idea of it. Changbin scrunches in disappointment, his appetite gone, he can’t seem to finish the rest of his mini pajeons- _damn it._

 

He urges the guy sitting in front of him to take it. Watching the guy happily eat his mini potato pajeon, he almost wishes he’d eaten it himself.

 

_Damned soulmate talk making him lose appetite, hmph._

* * *

_Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick-_

_He was on his desk writing lyrics when the tattoo starts to write itself, every letter a painful and burning sensation. He didn’t even realize it had started to write itself out until the itch on his right hip suddenly felt like his skin was being touched by flames. Changbin groaned as the letters wrote itself out. The uncomfortable feeling got him cursing as he hit his head repeatedly against his desk, causing a commotion._

****

_Changbin’s mother’s voice rang in his head- “Every letter burns because it’s there to remind us that not all of love is good; it can be painful. It burns the most for those with **the word.**_ **”**

****

_He doubted that he was ever going to have **the word** etched unto his skin, but if it hurt **this much** , then he might just have the damned word written onto him. Changbin would preferably not have it written on it him, but he’ll get what he takes. _

_Changbin stood up, his body heavy to his bed and grabbed his pillow only to curl into a ball, the pain relentless. Just how long was this damned sentence?_

_It felt like someone was dragging out the letters with fire slowly- Changbin pulled up his shirt hastily and drags a bit of his sweatpants’ waistband down and sees the tattoo almost at its end. It burned, glowing with a pale-yellow outline and as it reached the question mark of the sentence, the pain lingers. Changbin hissed as his fingers brushed gingerly over the surface of his newly tattooed skin._

_He treaded his way to the mirror near his desk and turned his phone’s flashlight on. The light hovered over the reddish surface on his right hip and his heart almost stops._

_Right there on right hip sits a graceful tattoo in old typewriter font and it’s almost easy to say it’s beautiful. It’s striking to the eye and he can’t seem to take his eyes off it, but of course, everything deemed beautiful has another side—misery comes with beauty. **The word** sits there innocently and reading over the tattooed eight-word question makes him feel sick. _

_Changbin has a ‘sorry’ laced in a mess of words etched gracefully onto his right hip._

_He traced over the tattoo once more and can’t believe he’s finally gotten it, only for him to have the worst luck in his family. He had gone and gotten the stupid word written on his skin and it only meant one thing. He was destined for heartbreaks and tears. It’s not going to be any different from everyone who’s got **the word**. _

_They’re both going to get hurt anyway. Changbin wants no part in that._

_Changbin refused to be part of some stupid pre-destined pain. Refused to be part of love._

_Not today. Not ever._

* * *

Changbin writes lyrics for himself _and_ the group. Most of the time, they’re for the group when Chan has introduced a newly produced backing track and they discuss the plan for the song. When they’re finally written, approved of then rapped to the backing track- he forgets all the terrible train of thoughts and burdens that settle comfortably on his back.

 

 _He feels freer than ever_ ; spitting fire or voicing out evocative words reaching out to the youth, the light burning brighter than ever in his eyes.

 

 _And then the process ends,_ leaving him breathless and exhausted, _yet wanting for so much more._

 

Then again, there’s still those lyrics that _do_ get written but never produced into a song. Most of the time, they’re personal lyrics written when stressed. Changbin’s got at least three thick notebooks since meeting Chan and the others; they’re littered with illegible words only he can understand. Some of them are typed into his phone, mistakes littered all over underlined in red due to the autocorrect. Those lyrics are the ones he writes for himself. _He writes because sometimes he’s scared he’ll forget._

_Scared_ he’ll forget all that he’s experienced, said, or felt.

 

Surrounded by moments that fade over time, Changbin writes them unto the pages in his notebook reminiscent of memories. Most of the time, they start off in Hangul or even in English, only for them to be rubbed out or scribbled over in swirls, to forget them and then they blur together in a mess he can’t make sense of.

 

They often won’t even come to his mind at all and yet he’d have several pages of half sentences, scribbles, words for weeks or even months. Sometimes they’re not even _as good_ as the ones he wrote for 3RACHA or Stray Kids. Frequently, they’re bland.

 

Most of the time, he writes them in his notes on his phone, his fingers always tapping away every now and then. It’s only when he’s free when he does it. Sometimes Felix is there, appearing out of nowhere, right by his side playing a game on his phone or watching dance cover videos intently on YouTube and then he would yank his earphones off and sit up, scan over the lyrics on his phone screen. He would then comment on changing some of the words to fit the flow better. It’s tranquil, those moments.

 

 _Just like now,_ he’s sitting on a chair right before they go up for their mission’s show, Felix catching up on his sleep, his head resting on the side of his lap with his arms crossed. Somehow it feels comforting even though there’s loud and playful banter in the background between Chan and Jisung again with Minho joining in. In the midst of all this commotion, it’s calming, typing lyrics in his phone with Felix right by his side.

 

Chan cracks a joke out of nowhere and Changbin joins the resounding laughter, jolting Felix awake. Felix looks up at him, looking slightly drowsy, a quick smile forms and his eyebrows furrow in confusion. Upside down, this view of Felix is surprisingly amusing. He tries to hold his laughter in, Changbin’s face scrunched up weirdly and Felix finally turns to look at him. Almost immediately, the laughter in him dies down and all that’s left is a smile on his lips hidden by his hand shyly.

 

It’s weird that he’s finding himself much closer and _attached_ to Felix these days. He refuses his mind the idea of being more than friends. It sounded ridiculous to him. _~~But in that moment, it was almost as if…~~_

 

Changbin forgets about the lyrics in his phone, his heart swelling with joy watching the other members huddle around, smiles on their faces- Felix _grins at something Jeongin said and_ Changbin’s smile turns bittersweet. His tattoo burns for a split second- Changbin scoffs and pouts. He replaces it quickly with a smile for the screen as Hyunjin approached with his portable camera.

 

He’s quick to remind himself of the promise four years ago, and starts building his walls once more.

 

_Don’t fall in love or believe the system, Seo Changbin, you’re going to get hurt._

* * *

Now that Changbin thinks about it, it’s funny to think he thought he had a chance at deciding he could change his already pre-destined fate. Stuck in this situation where time moved as slow as it did in all those slow-motion videos or movie scenes, he can’t help but feel that Fate is laughing at him. All this time, he’s been trying to avoid falling in love or feeling any sort of resemblance to it. But then again, he came too close to Felix as Icarus did with the sun.

 

Changbin has always brushed off the way others acted when they hurt when they were going to lose someone. He understands that these people hurt for one reason and he had thought it was a stupid thing for anyone’s heart to hurt over. That girl that had cried back in high school, he understood she had cried due to the overwhelming truth that had hit her- her soulmate wouldn’t love her back and that they left her for someone else. _That was it- simple as that._

 

There was always a constant in these things; Changbin knew that.

 

After all, it was a system and all systems had constants, patterns, things like that. He had read shelves of books, one time then once more again with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion until it had finally hit him as he let himself relive that moment from high school with that girl asking him about his tattoo. _She had been left by her destined soulmate and she clearly loved that person._ And to compensate for all the pain she felt, there was an apology tattooed on her skin. As if an apology would ever fix all the pain she felt.

 

_Fate was and is still so fucking cruel._

 

Back then, he would deny the fact that it would ever happen to him. And yet here he was, in the situation that Fate had pre-destined for him as well.

 

Creating moments in his life where he couldn’t seem to get a break anymore. He’s been struggling these past months and his heart’s already tired of feeling guilty; every time he sees the group stiffen at the mention of Minho’s name. Changbin doesn’t think he can handle the aftermath of Felix’s elimination this time. Not when he knows he’s going to see their leader crumble sometime this week with only Woojin to hold him together even just for a few minutes.

 

Minutes after hearing the decision for Felix’s elimination, Changbin just stands there, unsure of what to think or do. His breath hitches; his head droops down to look at the studio’s floor, not knowing what to feel. He looks at these floorboards and wishes it could give him an answer but they reply with nothing but deafening silence. His nerves feel like they’re burning, and his legs start becoming as restless as the confused thoughts in his head.

 

Changbin finally lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding in. That’s when everything finally comes crashing down. For the past few minutes since he’s been trying to register JYP’s decision, he’s been hearing nothing but silence. Changbin is _fine_ until he hears _him._ He hears Felix stumble with his words that were nothing but quickly strung apologies mumbled in the spur of the moment. There’s tension and disappointment in the air of the room, no one daring to move, except for Felix.

 

He walks from member to member and when he stops right by Chan and the younger is sniffling, head looking down—Changbin takes a glance from where he’s crouching and he sees Chan hold it in like he always does. Chan’s words to Felix are in English that he can’t understand and he sees their leader waver as he looks at the younger and before more tears escape out of him, he looks away and looks at the ground. He lets them fall.

 

Changbin knows Chan is going to blame himself for not being there and he knows he can’t do anything about it. He can’t because Chan’s always been like that- letting all the blame fall on him but the thing is, it’s his fault too, he should’ve helped with Felix’s struggles too, but now?

 

_Now, it’s all over._

 

And it’s his partly his fault because he _should have_ been there for _him_. With the guilt picking away at his heart, he tries to keep the tears and sobs at bay just to keep silent. No one needs to hear how distressed he actually was over this. Changbin’s tears don’t seem to stop falling at any moment in time, more seeming to spill by the minute.

 

It’s silent; the tears streaming down his face. His cheeks feel the burn from harshly wiping them away with the sleeves of his sweater. Slowly, his eyes start feeling the sting of the tears too. He curls into more of ball despite having crouched already and hopes that it would provide more warmth and comfort. Rather, he felt much lonelier, the reality finally settling in. Changbin feels numb to the pain and yet it hurts; he’s so lost in what to feel anymore it frustrates him.

 

Then Felix falls into his arms all too similar to the previous times he’s done before and Changbin _breaks._ It should be comforting; hugs are meant to be comforting, right? So why is it that it feels like his heart’s being torn apart instead?

 

Maybe it’s because Felix had fallen into his arms, tears falling whilst trying to return the hug shakily. He lets the younger rest unto him; rest for these few moments, the heavy burden trying to be whisked away with words like _“you did well”_ again and again whilst patting his back, but it only gets the younger to sob more into their embrace.

 

Changbin, being who is, he takes it personal. _It’s your fault, why couldn’t you-_ so many what if’s run through his head, feeling all the guilt. He almost feels unworthy of being someone to lean on because he feels like he’s failed someone. So, he does the one thing he knows he can do right for Felix because he owes him one. Changbin knows it’s not enough but he says it with his voice thick, unable to breathe from the forming lump in his throat.

 

He lets his head rest unto Felix’s shoulder as he mumbles, _“Hyung is really sorry. Hyung’s really- “_

 

_“Hyung, why do you have to be sorry?”_

 

That’s when he feels a jolt of pain similar to a pain he’s felt four years ago. _Or something similar to it._ He brushes the idea it could mean anything- the burning sensation on his hip just because it’s just as similar to the pain coursing through his chest. It hurts and it hurts and when Felix questions why he’s sorry once more, the reality finally settles uncomfortably in his heart. The thought of losing him causes him to finally fall into Felix who’s separated from him. He’s caught into an embrace _and he holds onto him_.

 

He holds onto him tightly, afraid he’s to slip this very moment with his sobs no longer silent. His pride doesn’t matter now, not when it hurts like a part of his soul was being ripped _~~(how cliché, Changbin thinks)~~ —_he needs this, the warm comfort from Felix’s hugs like all those previous times.

 

It takes them much longer than the others to calm down, but when they finally do, Felix’s hands linger a little longer against his. Changbin’s not sure if he’s imagined it or if it were just the tears blurring reality.

 

When the cameras start to finally shuffle out of the room, getting the footage they need; Felix calming down by his side, hiccupping sobs escaping him as he picked at his nails uselessly whilst Changbin leaned against him, he looks around the room and notices _them_.

 

Changbin sees Woojin brush his fingers against Chan’s hand. They linger for touch and he bitterly smiles at the sight. Chan’s fingers slide along with Woojin’s, grasping them tightly. When the last of camera crew finally leave, Chan falls into Woojin and gets caught into an embrace. Changbin watches Woojin calm Chan with soft whispers, rubbing his back, and if anyone was watching very closely- one would see their secretive forehead kisses.

 

Changbin’s heart hurts watching them because he _wants_ to experience _that._ He wants what _they_ have, even knowing deep down, he should deprive himself of that desire to want his soulmate.

 

He knows he shouldn’t—that he shouldn’t bring himself anymore pain. Felix leaving his side for good is already enough pain for himself today. Changbin doesn’t think he can take anymore. He feels the sting once more, but he doubts it’s the stupid tattoo. All he can feel is the numbness, the pain coursing through him- the _regrets_ filling his mind. He watches Felix leave the room to be interviewed separately.

 

Changbin notices the hesitation and he feels the urge to stop him. To stop him from leaving them. They promised each other that they wouldn’t leave each other. He’s already gone through this once with Minho’s elimination, _so why must it hurt much worse this time around?_

 

He should’ve done so much more. _Should’ve done so much more as a hyung to him. Should’ve helped him more. Should’ve-_

Changbin lets himself smile at the sight of Chan and Woojin, because they’ve come so far. Much further than anyone would care to notice since their fight weeks ago. Back then, he thought being hurt by someone wasn’t much.

 

Now, here he was, hurting just as much as they both probably did— _and fuck, did it really hurt like hell._

 

* * *

Chan is one of those kindred individuals with a warm-hearted personality and understanding most of the times. That is until he’s angered or seriously hurt. Only then will Chan’s warmth falter; turning slightly bitter and much more reserved, a dull gaze over his eyes. Usually, it doesn’t last long, but recently, the group had seen the worst of Chan’s stern resolute of bitterness _(they’ve seen him get angry, but that week had truly tested waters between all of them)._

 

Everyone remembers the day when Woojin and Chan fought right in front of them- hushed heated whispers raising to unforgiving insults. Changbin and the others had to rush the others out of the studio, leaving them with their much-needed privacy. 

 

 _It had never been aired for obvious reasons. Everyone_ _’s thankful it never did. No one needed soulmate drama to be aired during their survival show- which more or less likely meant- no scandals for the company._

 

The two didn’t make up for what seemed like weeks and for quite the time, Changbin was unaware of the reason why, until subtle hints floated to the surface. Changbin felt stupid not having noticed their interactions all this time, but now that they rarely exchange skinship between them , _it feels weird._

 

Woojin would come to dance practice, his parts out of sync and all Chan would do was send him an agitated look. Chan would blast music in his ears as he tried to create backing tracks for their missions late in the morning only to result in frustrated groans throughout the dorm. They avoided each other like the plague and Changbin sat back watching it unfold.

 

Changbin had found out one morning as he passed by the dorm’s living room, he caught a glimpse of a dim fluorescent light from a laptop and a curled figure on their couch. He’s taken aback at the sight, hoping it’s not like one of those horror movies Felix loves to watch, yet is terrified of. When he got closer, he had found Chan who was mumbling something to himself bitterly, his voice thick.

 

_So, this is where you were this entire time, not sleeping with the others._

 

Changbin walked over to the couch and soon realized that the elder was trying to scratch his tattoo off his inner forearm. All too familiar words slipped through Chan’s lips through a string of hesitant mumbles. Changbin felt his chest tighten upon realizing that they were words his sixteen-year-old self has uttered furiously to **_the word_** still sitting guiltily on his right hip.

 

“Stop saying things you don’t mean,” Changbin spoke up, sitting himself on the floor across the couch. 

 

Chan sat up and weakly smiled at Changbin whilst he wiped his tears away.

 

“I- _you_ don’t understand,” Chan challenged him, eyebrows knitted. 

 

“I’m not dumb, hyung. I see the way you guys look at each other. You guys may think you got it under wraps, but really, it’s quite noticeable nowadays-- _don_ _’t you think?”_ he huffed back at him in annoyance, frowning at the elder, “- _so,_ do you want to talk about it?”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Chan mumbled half-heartedly.

 

“Then if you’re not going to talk about it to me- won’t you talk about it to _him_ instead?” Changbin pauses, waiting for Chan to say anything- but he doesn’t. “Well, _don_ _’t you thi_ _nk you should talk to him then?_ _”_

 

“ _Woojin-hyung_ _… he_ takes time to realize and notice things and you know that best. He’s just going to think you’ve given up as well,” Changbin continues to say quietly, “He doesn’t know that you’re writing terrible lyrics about him late in the morning and blaming everything on fate- _hyung_ might have a guess, but he won’t be sure unless you tell him.”

 

“You don’t _understand_ , so _just-_ ,” Chan dejectedly sighed.

 

_‘Then, tell me.’ It hung in the air subtly and meticulously, the words having no need to be said._

 

Changbin watched Chan meticulously and noticed how he held himself back from saying anything. Hesitation was never Chan’s forte- he always went into almost everything recklessly, the others having to hold him back. Now that he thought about it, Woojin had always calmed him faster with the slightest touch or whisper. 

 

That morning, he had seen Chan at his lowest, hesitating to say anything, his voice thick when the words struggled to leave his lips. Changbin realized this was a _first_ for Chan whose role is now reversed- him having to be comforted rather than him doing so for the members. He never liked talking about his struggles after all. But then sometimes, he forgets that Chan has always had a soft heart for all of them, despite taking pride of a leader guiding them; be it through his angered voice to keep them on their toes during practice.

 

He does nothing but wait for him to let him into the secret. He waited for what felt like forever and soon enough, Chan broke his resolve and dispiritedly scoffed with mocking laughter at himself. 

 

_“I hid the fact we were soulmates for months.”_

 

“I didn’t mean to, but then again, I was so scared of him not wanting me if he found out- _he doesn_ _’t believe, Changbin-ah,_ he doesn’t believe in soul marks and I knew why and I understood that. But to me, it felt like he never believed in _us_ \--,” Chan’s tone darkened with disappointed vexation, then calming down “-then he mumbled the stupid words when he was half asleep and half drunk. It _stung_ , _you know,_ watching my tattoo fade right in front of me.”

 

 _“The worst thing was that he wasn_ _’t aware it even happened.”_

 

Chan’s figure shook almost breaking into tears once more. He sighed, a bittersweet smile stitched upon his lips, “I should’ve kept my mouth shut that night. Shouldn’t have said anything- _I_ _’m a dumbass, Changbin._ ”

 

“Then the next few days, he told me his was faded. He looked so scared as if he knew it was me all along and ever since, he’s stopped talking to me. He stopped looking at me and like- _it felt like I lost him completely._ ” 

 

“I pretended like I was fine with him just brushing me off, but I wasn’t. I just- I grew tired of him ignoring me, and so I told him. I fucking told him and _I-_ ” even if in the dark, the sun’s rays were starting to peek lightly through the curtains where Changbin could catch a glimpse of the resigned look of defeat and regret in his eyes. _Telling himself it was a mistake- that he should have never said anything._  

 

“It’s not like you’re going to ever understand. You haven’t even gotten yours yet, right?”

 

The thing was- _he understood._ He understood what Chan felt like now and that just may be an overstatement, but he understood what it felt like to hate fate. He understood his hatred for the cruelty set upon them, the unjust workings of the system- _he had despised it._ Changbin understood his position way more than Chan could ever fathom.

 

After all, he had **the word** still etched unto him. Not like it was ever going to disappear anytime soon and if it were to, it would remain just as faded as Chan’s tattoo now.

 

Changbin turned his eyes away from Chan guiltily. He had regretted doing so. Chan always seemed to catch onto things faster than he presented himself to be.

 

_The gears start working in Chan’s head... and click!_

 

“ _Wait-_ you have one, don’t you?” his voice is hushed, a shocked whisper- _a secret indeed._

 

He regretted letting the answer slip past his lips, _“Yes.”_

 

Chan stared at him confused.

 

Changbin has never felt so exposed to Chan before. Sure, he’s told him some things he considered personal secrets, but the topic of soul marks has always been shut down by his quick lie- _‘I don’t have one,_ _hyung. Probably never will._ _’_ And soulmates were always a sensitive topic between all of them, unless they’d found their other half already.

 

Changbin had already noticed how Felix often tensed up every time they were mentioned and he empathized with that. Felix always brushes it whenever the others get so into the topic, in where this one time, he had to leave the room and Changbin had followed. He doesn’t know the reason why, but he supposed that Felix had his own reasons to feel as such.

 

“It’s just _the word_ , nothing much,” it had come off with a much more melancholic and bittersweet tone than he wanted to, but he had finally gotten it out.

 

Having bluntly said it, he wished he hadn’t. Chan had gazed at him with concern and he worried for their leader. He was always getting caught up in comforting the others, he forgets to take time for himself. Chan was always perceptive, just like he was doing now, analyzing Changbin with those keen eyes of his.

 

“It bothers you.”

 

“It’s nothing. _It really isn’t much,”_ he was feeling antsy and showing discomfort he veered the conversation another way, _“Forget about it, hyung.”_

 

Of course, it bothered him that he’s destined for nothing but suffering, but he knew himself, there was nothing he could do about it. Fate wasn’t that fickle with their decisions.  

 

_But his heart was much fickler than fate. (He realized that too late.)_

 

* * *

After a late night at the studio, he finally arrives at the dorm and the lights are turned off.

 

Changbin looks around the area and he feels empty.

 

It’s soundless as he treads through the dorm except for the sound of the dripping water in the kitchen and the ceiling fan whirring in their living room. It’s empty with all this darkness surrounding them and all this tranquility engulfing all of them. It resounds in the hallways- _the dull ache of their hearts and the settled emptiness that’s left them feeling incomplete._

 

He drops his bag off in his room and catches sight of Chan in his room where’s he’s fallen asleep on his chair once more with his laptop open along with his speakers. He frowns at the sight and notices the dark circles forming under their leader’s eyes.

 

The fact that the other two have left the dorm has left such a toll on Chan and he fears it might just be his downfall. Chan had done nothing but place the burden of the blame of their eliminations upon his shoulders and not let anyone share it with him. It isn’t fair that way, because, _damn it,_ what he did for Felix wasn’t enough. Felix needed him in those times and he wasn’t there for him. He could’ve been, but now… _he’s gone._

 

It’s empty without them in their lives and somehow they’ve managed to dig themselves holes where the memory relapses in their brain and Changbin can’t help but feel guilty for _his_ elimination. Felix didn’t deserve to be eliminated. If they just gave the both of them more time…

 

But, since when did the world ever comply to his wishes? Since when was he ever granted moments with happiness that lasted forever? Sure, he’s had moments of elation in his life, but they always lasted shorter than he wanted them to. Hours sufficed but if those hours could transition to days that would last on for weeks to months and years- _something permanent_ , Changbin supposes; supposes that maybe he’d dislike this world a little less.

 

It’s when he lifts his shirt to go change garments in front of their mirror when he notices the faded outline of _his_ tattoo on his right hip. It’s no longer filled in with the dark black ink and yet it still spelt the eight-word question that’s haunted his decisions for the past few years.

 

Changbin huffs as he goes to change his shirt for another one and before he could put on the new one, he notices the etch on his skin looking different. He let his shirt fall down just right above his hip and walked to the mirror in their room. Changbin inspects the words on his skin- _it’s faded._

 

The typewritten words have become faded and it alarms ringing bells in his mind. _Who and when did he ever-?_

 

 _“Hyung, why do you have to be sorry?” –_ the words outlined stare right back at him and he whispers it to himself like a mantra. It frustrates him. It’s right at the tip of his tongue and yet he can’t seem to grasp at who’s said it to him before. The words echo in is head mocking him for his terrible habit of forgetting important things in his life. He’s not sure if he’s written lyrics yet.

 

_Maybe I shouldn’t write any at all._

 

It continues to exasperate him into furious disappointment at himself. They’ve been said to him and he’s found his soulmate- so why didn’t he notice? Why did he never notice that the words have been said- _shouldn’t his tattoo have gone and stung like it were burning once more?_ It should have stung and all Changbin remembers of similar pain to a burning sting was when Felix had been eliminated and the insufferable pain that bloomed in his chest for days.

 

Suddenly, he’s thrown back to the memory where Felix had been crying. _Shit- no, not again._

 

He hates this memory- he hates remembering the elimination. It makes him feel guilty for his mistakes of not being able to be there for him. Changbin misses him terribly; the dull ache in his chest insufferably stings. He tries to breathe himself back to reality but all it’s really doing is driving him into a spiral of guilt and regret. It shouldn’t be Felix and it hurts to know he can hurt him. It hurts that it’s got to be Felix and he’s got no idea why.

 

The tattoo stares at him mocking him and he lets the shirt fall down hiding the skin.

 

It was just as he feared. He had hoped it would it would prove him wrong in some stupid way. That maybe the system would make an error and that he wouldn’t be hurting now. He had hoped he was an error who wasn’t going to be like the others despite having ‘sorry’ etched unto his skin. It mocks him and jumpstarts memories he doesn’t want.

 

Memories he wishes he can relive.

 

_“Hyung! Come over here!”_

_He’s walking past Seungmin’s shared dorm room when Changbin hears Felix call for him through the door left ajar. Reaching for the cold doorknob, he opens the door and sees Felix sitting upright against the wall, blankets slipping off the bed. A few plushes surround his pillows and yet he notices, that weirdly, none of them are in the younger’s arms._

_Instead, Felix’s arms are stretched out, urging for him to come and slot into the embrace like puzzle pieces. When Changbin nears him, he notices how Felix’s smile is contagious enough for him to break into a weak smile._

_When he reaches the edge of the bed, he feels a tug on his arm and he falls. He falls forward, his face smothering Felix’s sweater with his legs dangling off the edge of the bed. It’s not pleasant in any way possible. Changbin manages to push himself upright the right way and he sets himself right next to Felix’s side, their legs brushing past each other and his arms feel the cool touch of the frozen cement wall. He feels a shiver run down his spine._

_It’s surprisingly cold in this room. He should’ve gone back to his room and exchanged this shirt for a sweater. Now that he’s here, he decides against leaving and he lets goosebumps rise to the surface of his skin._

_He takes out his phone and rests his head against Felix’s shoulders. It’s an awkward fit, his neck still straining to comfortably rest against him. Felix slides down and suddenly, he fits almost perfectly. He smiles to himself, pulling out his notes from yesterday and mumbles lyrics, his voice only under a whisper. Felix hums a tune to himself as he manages to slip his right arm through Changbin’s left. Changbin feels the graze of the wooly material against his skin and something in his heart tugs, yearning for the slight warmth that came along with it._

_Felix’s fingers drum a beat against his lap, the warmth of his fingers seeping through. Once more, Changbin feels the rush of desire to need more. It’s too cold here, but with Felix’s slight touches, he supposes that the little warmth he gets from him; it’s addicting. He’s accustomed to wanting warmth. He may have been presenting himself as ‘dark’ to the fans of their survival show, but he needs this. He needs the comfort of having someone like Felix next to him, just to balance it all out._

_Just to remind him everything will be alright._

_Changbin takes a glance at the room. He finds Hyunjin sleeping in Seungmin’s bed; Jisung nowhere to be found in the room. Seungmin is curled up against Hyunjin’s chest, hair mussed and there’s a hint of a smile lingering unto Hyunjin’s lips as his arms carelessly drape over the other._

_“I wish I could have something like them, but that’s too much to ask for.”_

_Changbin lifts his head from his shoulder and turns to see Felix mutter it in a sulking tone, almost as if he understood what it felt like to have **the word.** He lets that thought fleet away, forgetting about it and he focuses on how Felix’s eyebrows furrow in resigned annoyance. Drifting his gaze further down, he sees a palette of skin stars dusted on the brunette’s cheeks. In his mind, he’s drawing made-up constellations and Changbin can’t help but remember that one time the younger has said he’s always hated the freckles. He can’t help but think otherwise. _

_They remind him of the night sky with all the stars glowing late at night, twinkling as if they were conversing. They remind him of his late nights, staring at the dark clouds passing by and hiding the moonlight as he let the music from his phone fade into the night back home. He remembers thinking they’re pretty. Felix may just fit right into that category, but Changbin feels like ‘pretty’ is too much of an understatement._

_Felix is doing that thing again where he mumbles something in incoherent English unconsciously. Changbin listens anyway despite not knowing the full meaning of his sentences. He finds his voice almost like a calm remedy and he lets himself melt into the moment. He lets himself melt with all these meaningless words and he falls on his side, his head hitting pillows. He watches Felix turn away from the quite adorable sight of the soulmates sleeping and fall to his side, only to turn face to face with him._

_He’s smiling. To that, Changbin returns a weak smile. Exhaustion from dance practice is finally taking over his sanity and he turns his smile into a yawn he tries to hide. The younger giggles and it almost seems as if he wasn’t muttering bitter words against the sleeping soulmates on the other bed in the room just a few minutes ago._

_“Jikseu-ah, come closer,” his voice just above a whisper, careful not to disturb the others in the room._

_Felix inches closer and Changbin lets himself be enveloped into the warmth of Felix. He feels Felix’s arm carefully wrap around him. Felix runs his fingers through Changbin’s hair, drawing circles and humming the tune to Glow only to result in an abrupt stop. Changbin sees the light drift in through the darkness and he can make out the texture of Felix’s sweater. He frowns at the situation he’s been brought in. Felix is always like this. Always wanting comfort silently yet not saying much about why he needs it._

_“Everything is going to be alright, right?”_

_Changbin is not sure what to say but he lazily nods at the question and Felix stops talking, almost as if satisfied with the answer. He feels a breath of relief escape Felix and Changbin feels guilty of believing a lie. He’s too exhausted to properly talk to the younger. But maybe, it’s better that way for now._

_For now, they can stay like this, cuddling, desperate to stay together for warmth and believing a lie despite knowing pain is only to come ahead of them. It’s fine pretending for now. They can pretend everything is alright for now. Where they’re humming songs or mumbling lyrics, just huddled against each other, surrounded by pillows and snores from nearby._

_He lets himself fall victim to exhaustion; closing his eyes to darkness, where it’s comfortably warm._

_Right here next to Felix._

 

It’s bittersweet, that memory, painful to his heart for some reason. He really shouldn’t have gotten attached. But Changbin knows that’s pretty much impossible around Felix.

 

Changbin tells himself it’s going to be okay. Somehow, he can’t bring himself to believe it and his mind offers the idea that maybe it’s because none of the members are saying it for him. Or Felix for the matter.

 

His chest shouldn’t feel this tight at all. His heart feels heavy; his hands and arms numb to the touch and his lungs feel like it’s running out of air. The tears threatened to spill and he lets them run free, wiping them away as soon as they touch his cheeks. His sobs are silent and he doesn’t get why he’s acting like this.

 

Felix should be here, but then Changbin thinks about it and realizes that maybe it’s a good idea he’s finally eliminated. He’s far from him, his soulmate, who’s destined to hurt him. His thoughts wander in a dark place for a while, his mind feeding him his lies from when he was fifteen and recently discovered the tattoo. His chest feels empty and yet there was this sharp ache whenever he thought of when Felix had been eliminated that day.

 

His soulmate had been crying, sobs choked back and his words thick. He had asked why he was sorry.

 

Changbin realizes that maybe he’s sorry that he ended up to be his soulmate.

 

He wasn’t what Felix deserved. Felix deserved someone better. Someone who could make him laugh and giggle to his heart’s content. Someone who would look at him like Felix had hung up the sky’s universe for everyone to see. Someone to appreciate his freckles and call them beautiful. Someone who would let him cuddle at all times. Someone who would hurt when he was hurting. Someone who wouldn’t be _destined to hurt him._ Someone who would kiss and hug all his fears away.

 

Changbin feels like Felix needed someone who perfectly loved him like that.

 

Changbin may be his soulmate, but that does not mean he is truly what Felix needs. Changbin almost chokes on his silent sobs becoming a muffled chuckle full of mockery at himself. It then turns into an epiphany of silence, a numb and dull ache resonating within him.

 

Fate has made a fucking mistake in choosing the right person for Felix because he is none of that for Felix, or so he doesn’t feel like he is. Changbin is happy just as he is, watching Felix from afar. He was just fine with the idea of Felix loving someone else than him. He could go ahead and do so and Changbin wouldn’t give a single fuck.

 

Changbin find out days later during dance practice with the remaining six that the idea of Felix falling for someone else than him, his soulmate, makes him feel uneasy. _Maybe, you just really want it to be you_. He thinks about it and somehow, that doesn’t seem to be such a bad idea.

 

_Except maybe it kinda is._

 

Seo Changbin doesn’t really know what to do with that information.

* * *

Changbin sinks into the couch, headphones on, as he types lyrics into his phone.

 

The dorm is quiet for now with everyone taking a nap before they head out for their schedules once more. The atmosphere is as tranquil as the water of an undisturbed lake with the exception of the whirring of the ceiling fan. The incandescent light seeping through the curtains become stained with hues of pale orange and yellow ochre, a touch of darkness starting to sift through their windows.

 

He’s all alone in this couch, but he smiles, a part of the loneliness in his heart eased. The dull ache still resonates, but he smiles because _they’re finally back._ Changbin relishes in the moment, knowing the fear and doubts are sure to come haunt his mind with nonsense once more. He knows not to listen to his own thoughts some times, but he can’t help it when the fear runs through the blood burning through his bloodstream, every action held back because of _that_ very fear.

 

Changbin throws his head back and groans, removing the headphones and shuts his eyes close. It’s funny how he had tried to run away from his fate, but his fate ran right after him instead. A small laugh escapes from him and he opens his eyes to the empty ceiling and the faint sight of the ceiling fan whirring swiftly round and round.

 

For the past few days, everything has seemed nothing but empty. Starting from the moment Minho was eliminated, doing dance practice without one of the members of their dance line, then pondering over what they’d did wrong and then Felix’s elimination happened.

 

It’s bitter to think of their losses but they really can’t help to think about it when the fear of it ever happening again, right they’d just gotten one last chance. It’s one of those things that keep you up late up at night. That make you doubt your ability to do anything right. That builds up negative emotions in you, boiling until it overwhelms the heart and it makes you want to scream. Leaving you nothing but a restless mind late at night.

 

Tonight, his mind is restless; lyrics circling his brain and doubts lingering. He closes his eyes and his mind wanders dangerously, voices telling him there’s a possibility that Felix will disappear once again because he knows the world is that cruel. If he’s meant for heartbreak in his life and the tattoo’s all gone now, despair’s all that’s left for him, right? That all he’s got are memories to haunt him. He’s only going to be left with memories such as moments where he slotted all too perfectly in embraces with Felix and whenever Felix beams at him, eyes crinkling as he broke into laughter.

 

Such memories haunt him right before he sleeps and sometimes he doesn’t know. _He doesn’t know if he can sleep with such an unsteady heart and a restless mind._

Changbin feels bitterly cold all of a sudden, missing the warmth of falling asleep to Felix or Hyunjin. He knows he could easily slip into Hyunjin’s bed right now, but he knows. He knows that Seungmin is buried deep into the clutches of Hyunjin’s arms with their hair heavily disheveled from the cuddles and teasing kisses accompanied by the soft tunes of Hyunjin’s playlist in the background muffled by the pillows and blankets.

 

And Fel- _“Hyung?”_

 

Changbin’s eyes blink open and turn to see an exhausted Felix with unkempt hair, drooping eyes close to tears, his fingers peeking out the sleeves of his grey hoodie, walk towards him with his arms lazily stretched at him. ~~(Changbin’s heart almost melts at the sight.)~~

“Hyung, a-are you there?” Felix looks lost, his eyes searching carefully in the dim dark, his voice cracking. It sounds like he’s about to break into tears just out of frustration and Changbin hurries out of the couch, chucking his headphones and laptop on the coffee table. He quickly shuffles there, afraid the tears will fall- _he doesn’t want to see him cry again_ , and he pulls Felix into a hug. He pulls him in and he hears a sigh of relief from the younger as he slumps into the embrace.

 

It’s _strange._  He’s so used to being the one embraced and now- _now_ it’s him who’s comforting Felix. Felix who’s breathing heavily, feeling unstable, close to tears and is nothing but exhausted. He holds onto Changbin, hands slipping around his waist tentatively and he mumbles something along the lines of an apology. It’s calm and comforting like this; it almost feels like they’re in their own whole world with nothing to hurt them in these few moments.

 

It’s when Felix brings him much closer, burying his head all too close to his nape, a breath away that Felix finally speaks up. He really doesn’t say anything beyond a furious yet exhausted murmur but it’s enough for Changbin to urge Felix to calm down. Felix’s tight grip on his waist loosens, his fingertips grazing by his hips and for the first time this night, he _finally_ sees Felix. Felix who’s bare faced and weakly smiling back at him with his flushed freckled cheeks and slightly puffy eyes and he’s looking straight at him.

Changbin purses his lip and takes a deep breath, because may the gods help him or so, Felix is nothing but _ethereally beautiful._

 

He tries to compose himself within this moment. He’s glad almost all the lights are off in the living room. But even in the darkness, he can see Felix all too clearly with streaks of incandescent light painting over his face. The word _beautiful_ crosses his mind once more and he purses is lips, shaking the thought off of his mind ~~(yet he still feels the flush creep up his cheeks).~~

 

_“Hyung? Are you-- “_

 

“Sorry, I- just, are _you_ alright?” He turns his attention back to Felix who blinks at him confusingly with heavy tired eyelids. Felix bites his lip and he mutters, the frustrated tone clearly evident in his voice, “I can’t fall asleep, hyung, and-” the younger sighs, “-and I don’t know anymore, the doubts, _hyung- it’s getting to me._ I’ve been trying to sleep for hours, but-” Felix’s eyes flutter close and he pulls Changbin closer once more, sighing with relief. He murmurs something in English, Changbin can’t quite understand, but he knows of the weak smile Felix has on right now.

 

“Wanna sleep on the couch with me, then?”

 

_“Mhmm, please.”_

 

It seems all too familiar when Felix finally settles in with the pillows and blankets Changbin had brought over from his bed. Felix is humming some tune of some foreign English song that sounds very familiar, while snuggling closer to Changbin, head on his lap, looking straight at him, a relieved smile at his face.

 

“I-” Changbin groans inwardly, trying to move to a much comfortable position, “I’m uncomfortable, you idiot.” He looks dead set at Felix. _“Move your big head.”_

 

Felix grabs a pillow to add some comfort but stops midway only to drawl out at Changbin, _“Hyung,”_ and he looks pleadingly at Changbin with those bright eyes that twinkle with a hint of troubled frustration. Felix attempts to add some aegyo and the elder of the two sputters in a bit of soft chuckle to which Felix joins in, laughter resounding through his chest. _He sounds tired_ , Changbin thinks as Felix’s laugh retires for a small smile. Changbin catches himself to stop laughing and tries to look at Felix seriously, a hint of a smile still left upon his lips.

 

“What is it _now_?” ~~(Changbin rolls his eyes; he knows Felix wants cuddles instead.)~~

 

“Just cuddle with me, hyung, _please?”_ Changbin almost gives in once Felix adds a pout but resolves to saying ‘no’ twice to his face to which Felix groans in defeat, squeezing the pillow he has in an embrace to near death. Changbin sends him a look. _You need to sleep damn it,_ he gazes at those fatigued puffy eyes and softly sighs, “Just sleep, okay?”

 

Felix flutters his eyes close with a frown on his face and whispers what seemingly sounds like a ‘good night’ but it sounded more like a groan.

 

“You said you couldn’t sleep and yet here you are.”

 

He lets his gaze linger a little longer at Felix, brushing his bangs falling across his eyes. Exhaustion is evident on his face, but the doubts he seemed to have running restless in his minds now hide behind a sleeping façade, unbothered and at rest alas. He finally was here, finally sleeping, cuddling a pillow to his chest, head resting slightly on Changbin’s lap. Changbin smiles at the sight before his eyes and he can’t help but notice how beautiful Felix _is_ like this, sleeping with a hint of a small smile right at his lips despite all the odds.

 

As he sweeps Felix’s hair off to the other side, he notices the freckles adorning his cheeks stained with what seem to be tear tracks and yet Changbin can’t help but think, _‘you’re so damn beautiful’_.

 

It’s right there and then when it hits him he’s in love with this idiot. He’s in love with the way his eyes crinkle and the way his eyes light up every time he giggles. He’s in love with the way he bargains his way into cuddles and skinship between the members and most especially between the both of them. He’s so in love with the way his freckles pepper his cheeks beautifully and he likes the way their hands fit oh so perfectly.

 

Changbin is so in love with his stupid jokes and puns, no matter how times he’s repeated it- it makes the edges of his lips curl up into a smile, often resulting into laughter. He loves how adorable his laughter is; it’s deep and resounds with sweet joy and it’s infectious.

 

He’s so in love with how pure his heart is. How he sacrifices his own happiness for the happiness of others. He loves how he knows when someone’s hurting and how he manages to comfort them. He hates that Felix hurts himself in the process for caring for someone else. It almost reminds him of when he tried to keep his emotions to himself during his elimi- _Then it hits him, just **like** that. _

Lee Felix, the boy he’s fallen for? _He’s his soulmate._

 

“Shit,” he looks at Felix once more, a bittersweet smile on his face. _“It really had to be you, huh?”_

 

He’s not sure he’s ever been in love before, but if it’s anything like _his feelings for Felix,_ then he doesn’t mind it. Changbin loves the way he does everything in his own little world—he had admired him since the start, though now… It took him longer than it should have, really. That he’s in love with _Felix_ ; he had always thought that Fate had arranged a girl for him.

 

He had never fathomed that he’d fall for a guy-- _okay, maybe he did_ (after all, there was that time when his heart fluttered when he saw Hyunjin’s lips for the first time and thought _‘shit, I kinda want to kiss those lips.’_ There was also that one time he felt something stir in his chest, cheeks flushed when Chan’s lips brushed past him, almost kissing him, celebrating his first bottle of soju _(Changbin never expected him to be a lightweight))_. He was so used to thinking he was _straight,_ having a fair number of crushes on girls, but never considered, that maybe he actually was more than _just_ straight.

 

He looks at Felix once more; he settles with the fact that this is the third guy his heart had fluttered for, that he likes girls and guys _(he almost panics; an overwhelming urge to cry, because how had he not realized before?)_ and that he’s just a little too in love with Felix. Changbin doesn’t know when he’d fallen in love with the freckled boy taking refuge with him and his blankets on the couch. Now that he’s realized, though, he fears for these feelings.

 

Changbin can’t help but wonder of the worst that could happen if he ever voiced out his feelings. Even though Felix would be delighted to hear of the fact he had found his soulmate… Changbin wasn’t sure if he would like the idea of wanting to be with him. Or if he even wanted him, would he still want him knowing that they are destined to go through more pain than others due to their soul marks?

 

Changbin’s heart hurts and gazing upon the beauty settled on his lap— he smiles, his heart pulsing with poison beating through the veins, inflicting suffering and numbness everywhere. He throws his head, scoffing at the situation as he shuts his eyes close, hoping that all thoughts would come to a halt and exhaustion would wash over him.

 

Changbin had promised his fifteen-year-old self, he’d never fall for anyone. And yet _here he was_ , four years later, harboring feelings for this loud yet also reserved warm hearted group member sleeping on his lap for the nth time this entire survival show shooting. _With a faded mark at that._

 

When he met that girl, he was sure that being left hurt a lot. At the time, he didn’t realize he was underestimating the entire experience. When Minho had left, it hurt, but when Felix had left, it hurt every part of him as if his soul was being torn apart. It sounds stupid, but that’s exactly what it felt like. He glances at Felix, tracing the freckles adorning his skin once more and he smiles.

 

He can hear the soft breathing of Felix and he looks so fragile as of the moment. Changbin feels like if he would touch him, Felix would break into a million pieces, but the thing is, he knows Felix is stronger than that. He has a strong resolve to keep himself together. Yet, at the same time, he knows Felix well enough to know he has breaking points and that his heart full of love for the other members cracks once in a while, only resolving to crying when no one is there to comfort him.

 

Changbin wants to stop lying to him, but dear god, they both had to have the worst fates. He wishes he could have it easy like Hyunjin and Seungmin, no, he wishes he and Felix had it easier like the others. Where Changbin didn’t have to fear his own feelings, and hurt Felix in the process. 

 

It almost seems too much to ask for. 

 

And maybe it is. 

 

* * *

The clouds in the sky are smoke-like, drifting away freely without restraints. Peeking through those clouds are stars and they shine brightly, little ones burning hidden in the background but burning much brighter than the ones closer to Earth’s sky. The moon accompanies the cold breeze of the night, the aspiring stars and the clouds with free souls.

 

The night sky accompanies the lonely hearts walking down the pavements who eye the couples and soulmates in love. It sits above the rest of the world moving ahead of time where everyone seems stuck on past mistakes and decisions and their fears. It listens to the radio DJs and the bustling voices of the city where society has made them lose their minds, day by day, minds deteriorating with rules and shame.

 

They might be trainees but they’re bound to be seen by someone. Some of them have their masks on as they stop by the park where the surroundings seem so full of freedom and yet at the same time it’s not.

 

They’re watched by the eyes over there sitting by the bench or that couple with intertwined hands where the girl is eyeing their leader’s hands suspiciously linked with the eldest of their group. They’re distinctively close to each other and Changbin makes it his job to lean in whisper in Chan’s ear to keep a distance.

 

Chan smiles yet Changbin notices the disappointed sadness in his eyes. _It’s tedious_ , Changbin thinks. This society is quick to judge, especially on these grounds where _those types_ of soulmates aren’t as accepted. They’re acknowledged to exist but that doesn’t mean that one would be delighted to hear of it. They’re steer away from the subject, hoping to ease the tension of conversation.

 

 _That’s why it never gets solved_ and Changbin hates it.

 

He’s been careful until now with his feelings, with society and how he’s acted all this time. But you know what? Fuck it. He’s exhausted of playing along with society’s rules. Changbin tries, but it’s drilled into the blood running through his veins which control his muscle’s actions. He can’t help it but curse under his breath because he’s been raised like this. He’s raised to be discreet and live under wraps. Live freely while being reserved at the same time. It’s a contradictory thing to keep living by, but that’s just how it is.

 

His eyes drift where the dark brunette is laughing along with Jeongin, Hyunjin and Seungmin. It’s funny how Seungmin and Hyunjin seem like they’re separated from each other when they’re in public like this. Yet, at the same time, they’re in close proximity of each other, brushing fingers with Seungmin’s blushes speaking volumes for themselves.

 

Changbin watches him closely. He focuses on the sight ahead of him, his legs feeling heavy as they tread against the brick pavement. The streetlights they pass by hit his facial features with incandescent warmth and his aura bleeds into the freezing cold atmosphere of the night. His laughter rings through the cold air and it melts the imaginary icicles biting anyone’s skin out here. The tips of his ears and his cheeks feel hot and flushed.

 

_“Whipped. You are so whipped.”_

 

He turns to his right where Chan has appeared out of nowhere.

 

Chan’s got this smirk planted unto his face and a twinkle of mischief in his eyes as if he’s found out something majorly interesting. He isn’t wrong per se, but he’s not whipped. He refuses to believe so. He takes one more look at the freckled boy who’s now teasing Jeongin along with Hyunjin and feels a stir of joy and he lets slip a small laugh.

_Cute,_ he thinks. He shakes his head and mumbles back at Chan, “Not whipped. I’m just admiring.”

 

“Admiring, huh? _Sure,”_ Chan throws his hands up in the air, giving sign of defeat, “Whatever you say.”  He also has this funny frown on his face that makes Changbin want to smile, but then Chan decides to ask, _“Aren’t you going to tell him he’s your soulmate?”_

It takes him aback, because Chan isn’t supposed to know. He’s supposed to know he’s got a soulmate but not know _who_ it was, and yet here they are. Here they are, where Chan now knows the extent of his lies and he kind of feels a tad bit guilty. But he _just_ couldn’t help but keep it a secret for himself- this stupid tattoo that’s haunted him for life had to be kept under wraps.

 

Chan shoves his hands into the pocket oh his hoodie and he sighs, “I notice things too, you know.”

 

He hesitates telling him and all of a sudden it reminds him of when Chan was in a similar situation. He curses under his breath, realizing how ironic the situation is now. He knows how it feels now, to have been in Chan’s position when he had asked him to tell him of his problems. The words are stuck in his throat and he can’t seem to tell Chan.

 

And Chan waits for him to speak, _just_ _like he did with him that night._

 

Changbin huffs in frustration and he already feels the regret start to sink in, “I can’t tell him, hyung. I want to, I swear I do—but every time I try, I end up saying something else or just doing nothing.” Changbin _finally_ feels the cold start to creep in. He wants to hurry and catch the third to last bus to get to their dorm already. But for now, he’s stuck in this conversation where time seems to moving slower than he wants to.

 

“He’s going to start thinking his soulmate doesn’t love him back, you know? You know he’s someone who needs constant affection, right?” Chan challenges him calmly, his voice slightly on edge. But _yes, I know, I know he needs love and affection, but I can’t give him that._

 

 _“I can’t tell him,”_ he tells Chan once more, his words heavy and he somehow they come off angry. He shouldn’t be but maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s so fucking frustrated at himself for not doing anything. He should have told him already, but all he’s done is _nothing._

 

_“Ya, Seo Changbin!”_

It catches him by surprise when the frustrated annoyance in Chan’s voice is evident. “You can’t keep doing nothing. Stop and think about Felix’s feelings, okay?” _I have, I already have and I’ll just end up hurting him again_ \- “Just because he’s got _the word_ on his skin like you; doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be loved. He wants to have a relationship like Jinnie and Seungmin.”

 

“You can’t have just entered his life, be a constant in it and- _and then just leave._ You can’t just start drifting away from him just because you think you’re going to hurt him. He’s going to notice. Then truly start thinking the world is against him. Where he’s given a soulmate, who doesn’t love him back, or so he thinks.” _I love him, damn it I fucking love him, I just can’t-_ “Changbin-ah, our _Jikseu_ is human too,” Chan runs his fingers through his hair, sighing heavily.

 

“I can’t provide him with what he needs. I can’t give present myself as his soulmate, because _look at me_ , I’ve done nothing but let him down. I should’ve been there when he needed me, but even being someone destined for him, I can’t seem to do that,” Changbin is starting to run out of breath, all his doubts being fired out, his voice still hushed as if his words were secrets. His heart is racing with fear yet relief passes through his veins because bless the fucking gods, he’s finally getting all of this out.

 

“Do I want him by my side? _Yes. Yes, of course I do, hyung! I-”_ Changbin feels like breaking, his voice is getting thick and this is when Chan grabs his shoulder and squeezes it. He looks him straight in the eyes and tells him to breathe. So, he does, his head clearing up even for a split moment in time, “If I get any closer, I might just lose my mind. I failed him once and now, that he’s back with Minho?”

 

There’s a pause in his words. Hesitation is laced within his next words. His words are twisted upon his tongue- _there’s a possibility he’ll leave._

 

“They’re going to leave us. That’s what’s going to happen. I wanted to debut with them, but what if-?”

 

“What if _they don’t debut with us?”_ Chan finishes his sentence, saying it casually as if it’s something he’s been thinking about it for a while, “I don’t know. We’ll try to make them proud of us, I guess. We’ve got one more chance. We’ll make it, trust me. _Trust them too._ ”

 

“I just wish things were easier,” Changbin throws his head back and watches the bright stars twinkle which remind him of Felix’s freckles. He smiles at the sky, a bittersweet feeling rushing over him. _He really should tell him._

 

It’s weird, because if someone told him he would’ve fallen in love with the freckled boy that struggled to speak the same language as him when he was fifteen, he wouldn’t believe them. He would’ve laughed in mock, but now the idea doesn’t seem so much of a foreign idea after all. But here he is, in love with this freckled boy who’s all but affectionate, and maybe this is why people like them with _the word_ end up with heartbreaks. They love too much to the point they run out when it’s not returned.

 

“People can’t help who they fall for, trust me, Changbin,” he can hear the smile in Chan’s voice when he says that. Changbin takes a glance at the elder and spots the playful smile on Chan who’s looking in the far distance where Woojin is with the others. There’s a twinkle of brimming joy in those eyes, it’s lit with life and Changbin feels jealous. At least, they’ve figured it out. _He hasn’t._

 

Chan halts in his steps, turning around to fully face Changbin. “He’s not going to hate you. Felix isn’t like that. He won’t hate you- _not when it’s **you**._ ”

 

Chan leaves, heading for the cluster of their members bickering by a lamppost. He leaves before Changbin can retort anything back. He can’t help but feel like he’s lost. He’s totally lost in what to say, what to feel, what to even think anymore. He mutters some rap to clear his mind, the only thing seeming to make sense these days, and he curses when lyrics are replaced with thoughts of his damned soulmate.

 

He sighs and throws his head back, the night sky staring at him. He pleads the moon and the stars for answers to questions already answered. All the stars seem to be doing is twinkling brighter tonight as if they seem to be screaming at him- _‘Tell him, you idiot!’_

 

Changbin takes a deep breath, his eyes shut close to where the stars disappear. The stars disappear and everything is dark where it seems all too cold for his liking. He sighs and then-

 

 _-then_ he’s met with him once again.

* * *

It’s an all too familiar embrace.

 

It’s the way they slip their arms carefully around him and they rest in a tight lock around his chest. It’s the way their head rests by the crook of his neck and his breaths are evenly soft, warm to his skin. It’s the way their lips brush by his nape slightly before he can rest his head against him. It’s how he knows by the breathing patterns, it’s _him._ It’s how he knows the other has as satisfied smile that he knows it’s _him._ It’s also the way their hands hold onto Changbin’s sides, fingers hanging unto to his hoodie and this warm feeling is all too familiar for him.

 

It’s the little things that they’re doing that Changbin know it’s Felix. He feels the familiar warmth envelope him in this freezing cold and his mind is already racking for words to be pieced into lyrics. He wishes moments like these could last longer. It always seemed like they were running out of time.

 

“Hyung, the others wanna go for coffee before going back to the dorm. Come with me?” Somehow, he knows that Felix has a drunken smile on his lips. Felix sways side to side, the grip around Changbin tightening as if he were scared he’d run away. He doesn’t reply straight away even though deep down, he knew what his answer would be. He knows, so he lets the minutes of the night tick away without care. He likes it just right where they are. Because, damn it, _I’d follow you anywhere, you idiot,_ so let me just bask in this warmth of yours.

 

Swaying side to side, held in an embrace, Felix’s breath tickling his nape and the comfort of Felix’s back hug. He likes it here where it’s nice and simple, no words having to be said. Just simple actions like these. He wishes telling Felix were as easy as hugging him or taking care of him. He wishes it were simpler to spout the words as easy as he rapped.

 

But it’s not.

 

So Changbin sighs. He lets out a small laugh and lets Felix slip away from the hug. Shivers run down his spine, feeling the cold creep back in. It’s cold even with a hoodie under his jacket. He tries to make up from the lost warmth from Felix by rubbing his hands together and shoving them deep into his pockets. He eyes a girl staring meticulously at him and Changbin feels his heart drop for a moment. He doesn’t expect her to have read into Felix’s back hug so much but that glare feels all too familiar.

 

It’s a judging look, a hint of insult that the girl can’t even seem to say straight to his face.

 

 _What a coward_ , he sends a glare back at her and she turns away, flustered.

 

Felix is humming something to himself again and Changbin can’t help but be taken into the moment once again. His steps falter, becoming slower with Felix two to three steps ahead of him. Changbin looks at him and feels his heart flutter for a fleeting while only for guilt to tear him apart. There’s fear rushing in with that wave of guilt. He _knows_ he should tell him and he wants to- _dear gods_ did he want to tell him but he doesn’t know why he can’t. He feels the need to mumble apologies to the clueless air and he does do it; just above a whisper, quiet enough for Felix not to hear but loud enough to feel relief from whispered cathartic bursts.

 

It’s numbing; this feeling of being so close to someone he’s destined but he’s so far. This feeling of being able to do something but also not. This feeling of being able to be with him but also not. This feeling of _doing or being something_ but then nothing ever happens because he’s too scared.

 

Changbin fears for what could happen next. He fears for breaking his soulmate’s heart and fears seeing innocent tears roll down his cheeks dusted with bright stars.

 

Changbin fears that the rain will cloud away all the sun’s brightness and it’ll come to the situation where he can’t even do anything to chase the raining clouds away. He glances ahead and he’s really hoping _that rain doesn’t fall._  Changbin’s been known to do terribly when rain falls.

 

Before any more doubts can race through his mind- Chan’s voice echoes to the both of them.

 

_“Oi, hurry up you idiots!”_

 

He wants to mess with Chan and walk slower just to see the face he’d make, but those plans get thrown away the moment he feels something grab his wrist and tug him forward. He almost falls backward, his feet moving ahead of him whilst the surroundings in his view go into a slight blur. Changbin’s mind switches to autopilot, all the control systems in his mind start going haywire _because what the fuck is happening?_

 

_I did **not** plan this, oh my god. Okay, okay, I have to start actually running but seriously why the fu- **oh.**_

 

It takes Changbin a few seconds to register that someone’s doing this to him; pulling him forward with a loose grip on his wrist. The confusion finally settles down upon noticing the all too familiar grip of the hand on his wrist. Of course, it’s _him_. So, he lets himself be dragged away by Felix, the chilly breeze hitting against his face and he lets himself properly smile for the first time this night. He watches Felix from a good distance, heart still heavy of doubts, mind racing with a million ways to apologize and confess— _god,_ he hopes he sees Felix like this again.

 

He really hopes this isn’t that last he sees his smile like this.

 

When they start slowing down from the abrupt run, nearing Chan and the others, Changbin notices something different. There was no longer a grip around his wrist. Felix’s hand was now holding onto his fingers, the warmth burning through his touch. It happens slowly, starting with the sudden fumble of small fingers that then try to slip through the spaces of his fingers. They- _they’re holding hands?_   _I- what the actual fu-_ Changbin feels panic and a rush of fluttering sensations run through him. He could practically feel himself go red.

 

He sucks a breath in, flustered from the sudden action, and he sets a look on Felix. “Exactly what do you think you’re doing?” He composes himself and raises the weight of their intertwined hands upwards to show Felix. Felix turns to look at him, a pained expression on his face, _“Ya- hyung, it hurts! Don’t twist my arm like that—hyung!”_

 

Changbin laughs and sets their hands down and quickens his pace to catch up with the bickering members, a few steps ahead of him. Felix follows suit and turns to look at Changbin. Changbin knows he shouldn’t look, and yet here he was, taking a small glance to catch sight of the fondness in that gaze of Felix’s, a wide knowing smile on his face. He’s got cheeks dusted with pink stardust and the freckled stars that hang along with it. _Stop fluttering your stupid heart—ohmygod, may the gods fucking help me or so, I’m going to die,_ Changbin tears his eyes away from Felix and looks at the night sky pleading for help.

 

The rush of panic and fluttering in his chest making him flush disappear the moment he catches sight of the couple sitting by the side judging them, _or maybe he’s imagining it._ He feels like he’s imagining their judgmental looks, their whispers and the male who looked no older than him who covered his scoff as a cough.

 

_But it just feels too real._

 

Everything he’s feeling right now: the heat of Felix’s hand laced with his and the fear bubbling in his chest, the feeling of his breath hitching. He tries to tear his eyes away from the two, feeling the shame run through him. His fingers feel _so numb._ Changbin tries to break free from Felix’s hand only for Felix to squeeze tighter.

 

 _“Felix, people are-”_ Changbin eyes their surroundings warily. Once then twice. “They’re watching us. You have to _let go._ ” He’s scared they’re still watching so he hurries their steps and Felix slows down, holding back their pace of catching up with the others.

 

Changbin takes a glance at the group ahead of them and catches sight of a flustered Jisung who’s tearing away from Minho smirking, a slight smile on his face and tips of ears burning red. Changbin sighs, the fear growing further in his heart. _Minho, you smartass, stop, they’re watching-_

 

“Are you telling me I can’t hold what’s always been mine?” Changbin eyes lock with Felix and he sees a pained look glaze over his eyes. _He looks like he’s going to cry; Changbin, you fucking idiot-_ Changbin’s heart constricts and curses at himself. All of sudden, his heart is no longer shrouded with fear or shame of being discovered holding his own soulmate’s hands. He fears that if he says anything else, Felix might cry.

 

Right before he knows it, Changbin stumbles with his words., “Lix, you know that’s not what I mean.” Felix has composed himself with eyes that no longer look like they could spill tears and he’s _smiling._ He’s smiling, albeit bittersweet, it hurts more than seeing those eyes of his. _You shouldn’t be smiling like that, idiot,_ Changbin sighs disapprovingly.

 

“Hyung, I don’t care if they’re staring. If they get to hold their _soulmate’s_ hands and it’s not a crime for, then, why shouldn’t _we?”_ Felix huffs, obviously troubled. However, Changbin sees what others can’t, in Felix.

He sees how Felix's eyes tremble and he wonders. He wonders where the Felix who tensed, during conversations of meeting soulmates, _has gone._ He wonders where the Felix who’d mockingly tease the domesticity of the group's resident soulmates with him at late midnight, has gone. Changbin wonders why Felix suddenly cares about soulmates when he used to be the first to leave the conversation or the room itself. _~~Followed by him, of course.~~_

 

It makes sense, now that he thinks about it. The two people in their group who lied about their tattoos because of _the word;_ were soulmates. The first two to muster up a lie or tense up whenever they asked them of it.

 

The only two in their group who’d feel so much safer with their platonic soulmates, because they’re made to stay. The symbol tattoos that glow in proximity of them are proof of such, just like how his glowed near Hyunjin’s and how Felix’s glowed with Chan’s. They flicker with light, never leaving a faded scar, because unlike romantic soulmates, they’ll never leave.

 

The smile on Felix when he had held his hand, Changbin’s never seen Felix glow with so much bitter happiness. It’s so much different from the smiles he has with Chan when they bicker about in English. Chan’s voice reminds him, _“Just because he’s got **the word** on his skin like you; doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be loved. He wants to have a relationship like Jinnie and Seungmin.”_

 

“Hyung? You’re zoning out, I can stop holding-“

 

“Lix? _Lix, don’t let go- not yet._ ” For the first time in what feels like forever, Changbin breathes without his heart feeling heavy, a smile on his face. His fingers fidget, rubbing circles and drawing imaginary lines against Felix’s hand. He doesn’t know why he feels the slight nervousness when he knows Felix has figured out that they were soulmates already.

 

“Is everything alright- _oh hey, they’ve finally reached the café, what are you ge-“_

“I’m sorry,” Changbin sighs, feeling a burden off his shoulder, but the _silence right after…_

 

The silence after he lets the similar words embedded on Felix’s skin, doesn’t settle well with him. His heart feels restless. _It’s too silent,_ Changbin wishes Felix would say something. _Anything._ They’ve finally stopped walking, having arrived by the café’s entrance and he’s scared. The fact that Felix’s hand is slowly slipping away from his right now, it scares him. He’s too scared to look up; to look up and right into Felix’s eyes.

 

He hears nothing so he continues, “I’m apologizing, because- _because_ I don’t know? I’m sorry for everything, I guess. I’m sorry for not being there for you when I could’ve been.” Changbin feels his heart drop, Felix’s hand has finally slipped away from his hand. He breathes and continues, “I’m sorry that you have me as your soulmate. I’m sorry-“

 

 _“Hyung, look into my eyes and say that again,”_ Felix voice sounds like it’s about to crack.

 

Changbin doesn’t want to look up and before he knows it, Felix _makes_ him. His hand gently touches his chin and he’s brought to look at those eyes. Similar eyes that remind him of his elimination day and it hurts to look at the eyes that look so pained by his words. He knows he shouldn’t say it again. Changbin knows he’ll be seeing tears out of those eyes that usually smile with mirth.

 

He doesn’t want to, but he parts his lips wishing the words lodged in his throat would spill, “I’m- I’m sorry that you have me- “

 

Changbin doesn’t even get to finish the sentence because he’s pulled into a sudden embrace where Felix buries his face by his neck. He can hear the uneven breaths too clearly and then- _and then he speaks._ Felix murmurs, in a low voice, his arms pulling him closer, “Please don’t. Don’t finish that sentence. _You don’t mean it, right?_ You can’t- hyung, please, I- “Changbin hears his voice break midway.

 

“We’re just going to hurt each other if I, you-” Changbin struggles to try to push Felix away- “if we do what we want. _If we stay like this._ You know how the stories go, Lix. We have _the word._ ” Changbin feels Felix try to hold on. He gives up trying to break free from the embrace, sighing in defeat. Felix wraps his arms tightly around him once more, once Changbin had given up and it scares him.

 

It scares him that their feelings are mutual and the fact that Felix won’t let go, because if he doesn’t—then they’re just set up for mutual pain. He thinks of a possible future where Felix won’t be debuting with them and it hurts to even think of it. He hates that there’s a possibility they’ll be separated and the chances are high when they’ve got ‘sorry’ inked onto their skin, albeit faded now, but still they remain. They both know the risks and Changbin’s willing to let go, just so he sees no tears _if they ever don’t debut together._

 

“ _I already know how the stories go!_ I don’t care, I just- I’m tired of seeing the others be in love and I’ve always wanted that. Now that I have my own soulmate, _you think I don’t want you?”_

 

“You should be mad,” Changbin bitterly says before continuing, “You should be mad that I never told you that I knew we were soulmates when you came back. You should be mad that I lied before you left, saying I had no tattoo. You should be mad that I never properly told you when you came back, that I-“

 

 _“I don’t care about any of that. I really don’t.”_ Changbin knows of the bitter smile on Felix as his arms tighten around his chest and of Felix’s tears seeping into his jacket. He rubs Felix’s back up and down, hoping to provide the only comfort he can, as of now. “I didn’t care because it was you and maybe it was because some part of me wished that you were _mine._ ”

 

“Turns out, you always were,” Changbin feels a slight flutter in his heart, a smile trying to break through his lips- _just when did Felix make him feel so many things at once? It’s almost overwhelming._

 

Felix breaks from the embrace and for the first time in what feels like forever (it feels like they haven’t seen each other in ages) Changbin sees Felix; _properly sees him_. He sees tears spilt and a few still threatening to spill and trembling lips trying to smile. Then he feels his hands be held, Felix’s grip firm as his thumb grazes over the ridges of his knuckles.

 

It’s quiet once more, before the sound of the soft drizzle of the rain fills in the tense silence between them. The grip on his hands grow tighter and Felix’s voice cracks, “I’d forgive you for all your lies because it doesn’t matter when I’ve lied to the others as well. _I- I get it._ I’m scared, but I don’t care because it’s you.”

 

The sound of the pitter and patter of the rain grows louder.

 

“My reason-” Felix looks embarrassed with his flushed cheeks “- it sounds stupid and cliché but I don’t care because I-” Changbin looks into those eyes and sees them smile momentarily. Right there and then, Changbin knows.

 

_“It’s because I’ve loved you, all this time.”_

 

Felix breathes as if a burden off his back had disappeared; a fond yet small smile breaking unto his face and he looks at Changbin. He looks at him through the rain that’s falling harder by the minute and says, “So, _please._ Please don’t tell me you’re sorry for being my soulmate because I-” he bites his lip- “Please tell me that you’re not sorry, because, _why?_ Why do you _always_ have to be sorry?

 

“I’m sorry, because I- _I actually fell in love you_ and I’m scared that if I love you anymore than I do _right now,_ we’re just going to end up hurting each other. We’re destined for that, so I’m scared of you leaving and not getting to have you by my side. It’s-” Changbin bites his lips, hating that he has to mention this, “-it’s happened before and we’re just going to hurt each other, _if it happens again._ ”

 

He can’t hear himself anymore through the sound of the falling rain and the sounds of the clashing leaves nearby. Changbin _feels like crying._

 

“Hyung, _I hate this.”_ They’re hugging again and it’s so much warmer than having held hands and once he crashes into Felix’s arms, he lets the silent tears slip by. He doesn’t want to care about the possibilities and how much Fate has probably fucked his chances with Felix that are far from having any happiness; but he does. He has to because he’s so tired of hurting. So, tired of _crying._

 

Changbin feels Felix murmur under his breath, _“Why can’t we be selfish for once?”_

 

“I want to, trust me, I do.” He buries his face into Felix’s shoulder for more warmth, wishing the rain would stop already. At this point, he really wished he had gotten that coffee with the others, but this conversation had long been needed to be discussed. Then he hears Felix ask once more, “So why? Why can’t we?”

 

_“You know why.”_

* * *

Silence seems like the only constant between the both of them now.

 

They cross paths; brush pass each other, eat lunch together with the team and maybe get a glimpse of each other when they enter their rooms. It goes on like that for the next few days and Changbin hates the overbearing silence; he just wants to hear Felix talk. For Felix to stop for a while and take a look at him.

 

Changbin is restless; always waiting for something to happen.

 

 _Anything._  

* * *

“Ugh, I feel like _shit.”_

 

Changbin crashes into Hyunjin’s bed, grabbing a pillow as he tried to lay his head comfortably on Hyunjin’s lap. He had been sitting upright, texting someone on his phone, most likely Seungmin with how his ears are tinged red and he’s got that small smile creeping on his face.

 

“Is it Seungmin? Your ears are red again,” Changbin teases him to which he receives a pillow to his face. His protests come muffled as he tries to get it off his face. Once he does, Hyunjin’s still got that flush on his face. _“So it was Seungmin!_ That’s why you’re all red!”

 

“Shut _up,_ hyung! Why are _you_ even here?”

 

“I told you already. I feel like _shit._ Actually, no, I feel like _I fucked up._ ” Changbin groans into the pillow wrapped in his arms. He hasn’t talked to Felix for days and he knows now that he shouldn’t have said anything that night. Somehow it feels like it was still worth it; after all, there was that split moment when Felix’s eyes lit up and he smiled when he had said he was in love with him.

 

Seeing him smile… _that was worth it._

 

“Do Seungmin and you ever-?”

 

 _“Ever what?_ Fight?”

 

Changbin hums a positive yes and looks up at Hyunjin who’s looking down at him, fiddling with his hair. _was he braiding his hair?_ Those tugs felt familiar to the way Felix would braid his hair subconsciously whenever they’d cuddle sometimes. He let Felix do it because it reminded him of his elder sister who had allowed him to do it as a child and he never seemed to grow out of the habit. He also liked seeing the way Felix’s eyes would light up after braiding most of his hair, an accomplished smile on his face.

 

Hyunjin is much clumsier with the way he braids his hair, Changbin realizes this, as Hyunjin tugs his hair the wrong direction causing the younger to groan at his failure. Changbin stifles a laugh.

 

Hyunjin flicks his finger at his forehead teasingly and finally replies, “Yeah, we fight sometimes. Most of the time it’s because of something dumb or we’re jealous. There are times it’s serious, not as serious Chan and Woojin-hyung though. We _just-“_

“You both always seem okay though. But then again, there’s Minho and Jisung with their arguments sometimes, so I guess-“

 

 _“Exactly._ You guys aren’t meant to notice. We talk if we ever _have_ to. Believe it or not, Seungie and I thought Fate was messing with us when our tattoos faded. We were-” Hyunjin lets himself a smile and tries to cover his smile. Changbin catches a glimpse of their platonic tattoo glowing a pale dark blue on Hyunjin’s wrist covered by his bracelets. “We were a mess. We fought so much because we were so _sure_ that we weren’t meant for each other.”

 

“We do end up talking again. Agree to disagree or _y’know_ , we apologize and just remind each other of reasons why we love each other.” Hyunjin turns away, embarrassed. “I- it’s dumb.” Hyunjin stops fiddling with his hair and looks down at Changbin and what he asks next catches the elder of the two, completely off guard.

 

“Why? Did you fight with Felix or something like that?”

 

“Hyunjin, what the hell?” Changbin stumbles upon his words, unable to form coherent words. He’s confused as to why Hyunjin even assumed it was Felix. He can already feel his cheeks feel hot and somehow he’s thankful for the dim light in the room. He’s really hoping Hyunjin doesn’t notice.

 

 _“Oh my god,_ it is. You’re red!”

 

“Hyunjin,” he warns him sternly, _“Shut up.”_

 

Hyunjin looks like he’s ready to break into laughter before Changbin starts hitting Hyunjin with the pillow he had been embracing this entire time. _“Stop, ohmygod, stop, hyung. I swear I’ll stop laughing!”_

 

Changbin doesn’t get why he was even laughing in the first place. He supposes it must’ve been because of his flushed cheeks, but he seemed to be missing something out of the picture. Hyunjin seemed to know something he didn’t know and he didn’t like how that settled with him. Hyunjin wouldn’t hide anything from him, he knew that. Changbin tries to set aside the uneasy feeling away his chest, but it continued to bother him nevertheless.

 

When Hyunjin asks, “When did you finally realize though? Was it after the kiss? _Or?”_ _Changbin is nothing but confused._ He’s so confused because _what kiss? He hasn’t kissed anyone? And realize what?_

 

“What the hell do you mean by _‘when did I finally realize?’_ Realize what?”

 

Hyunjin sighs heavily and explains, “When did you realize you were in love with Felix?”

 

Changbin feels slight panic rush through him. _How does he know?_  He’s not supposed to.

 

“Hyunjin, what the actual fu- “

 

“Everyone knows, you were just too blind to see it. All of us, except for Felix, had a feeling, _well—_ more like had a bet? _Sorry, hyung,”_ Hyunjin smiles at him apologetically, eyes crinkling with mirth and he almost forgives him. _Almost._ “Even if you both said you had no soulmate tattoos, we were sure that you’d end up falling for each other anyway.”

 

Changbin rolls to his side and clutches the pillow closer to his chest, feeling cold.

 

“We all knew Felix was pining for you.” Changbin furrows his eyebrows in confusion at Hyunjin, but then again, Felix having feelings first- his words that night made more sense. “When Felix asked for you to kiss his cheek, it only made everyone more confident that he was _just so in love with you._ Minho-hyung was literally there, he could’ve asked him, but- “

 

_He asked me, instead._

 

“He asked you to do it, instead.”

 

“We’ve always known he was in love with you. He never even had to tell us, but you’re always so dense, you know that?” Changbin rolls back to Hyunjin, nestled in his arms, leaning against his chest uncomfortably. Hyunjin laughs as he tries to shuffle and finally tries to help him, hoisting him in a much comfortable position. “I’d never seen someone cry that hard during elimination, he had been trying to hold himself back too- _I had thought Seungie cried more_ during Minho’s elimination, but when he went to hug you, Felix just broke in your arms.”

 

“Everyone knew why, but we didn’t think, you-“

 

Changbin interrupts, “It wasn’t during the elimination. It was when he fell asleep in the couch with me and I just _-_ _everything hit me_.”

 

“I was scared that we’d end up hurting each other, because-” He wants to tell Hyunjin about the tattoo, but the words get stuck in his throat. He tries again. “-Because _we’ve got the word_. You know what means.”

 

“I said it was better if we tried to not do anything even if we knew we were soulmates. That we were just going to hurt each other if we actually tried to stay together because we’ve already got such a terrible fate written for us,” Changbin huffs knowing he shouldn’t have said any of this. Instead, he should’ve just held him close and _actually tried_ with Felix.

 

_“He’s just going to leave again, like last time.”_

 

“You’re not _actually_ -” Hyunjin actually sounds troubled. “- _that dumb, right?_ That doesn’t even sound _like_ you. But then, you always cared for him more than you did with most of us.”

 

“You do realize, though, Felix is so _whipped_ for you, he’s pined after you for so long. He’s told you himself, right? I can see it in your eyes.” Sometimes, Changbin forgets that they’re platonic soulmates and they do manage to read thoughts from time to time. Hyunjin was especially good at it, almost as good as Chan. Hyunjin continues, exasperated, “He would do anything to make sure he stayed with us.”

 

“You know _that_ and you’re still terrified? Fate’s not going to be cruel a second time, not when they’re literally shoving Felix back into your life.”

 

He sinks into Hyunjin’s arms. “But- “

 

“Hyung, just trust me on this, okay? _”_ Hyunjin hugs him, chin resting atop his head as they let the silence fill the spaces in between them. Changbin mumbles softly in a small voice, breaking the silence, “I love him.”

 

He doesn’t say it because Hyunjin doesn’t know, _he’s just scared_.

 

“Trust me. He’s not leaving you this time.”

He believes Hyunjin.

 

* * *

Changbin had always thought that humans were coded with errors, bound to make mistakes.

 

Everyone’s made mistakes before: the slip of the tongue, circling the wrong answer for multiple choice, tripping over air and the mind’s ignorance, funnily enough _—ignorance itself is a mistake,_ never mind the fact many call it to be bliss. Ignorance has never been bliss; for a while it’ll be and it’ll feel good, but when that moment passes, you’re left with the result of mistakes piled upon mistakes. It feels so wrong, that it almost feels like you’ve committed something reminiscent of an actual sin.

 

 _Ignore the system,_ he’d said it _that_ night when the pencil had long been forgotten, lyrics unfinished (never to be finished) as curses slipped through his lips at the sight on his right hip; _eight words inked and still burning his skin._ That’s the first mistake.

 

He makes another as his mind tells him to _ignore her_ \- to ignore the girl who’s welled up whilst reading the excerpt regarding the minority of the soulmate population with _the word_ inked somewhere on their skin. She asks him what _his tattoo says_ and he lies. He lies because it slips off his tongue so smooth, words spilling out like well fabricated silk.

 

When his eyes chance upon the new trainee, he’s sure everything’s going to go as it always had these past few years.

 

The new trainee proves him wrong. Changbin learns his name. _It’s Felix._

 

Felix dares for him to kiss his cheek during that picnic and he does. He lets the moment unfold between them three, who’re just friends and when Felix is screaming unnecessarily loud right after the kiss- he feels his chest go tight _, or so he thinks_ (he must’ve imagined it). When he decides to forget, and _ignore_ he ever felt something more than moments of fluttering moments with Hyunjin and Chan before- _that’s his next mistake._

 

He hates that he’s realized _his soulmate is_ Felix. _He’s never hated something **this** much._

 

He thinks four years back and does what he told himself _that_ night- _ignore the system_ and of course, he never really thought it meant _ignore your feelings_. _Ignore your feelings_ meaning chuck them to side and feel relieved because no one’s getting hurt this time around. There are no tears, no aching hearts so that’s exactly what he does.

 

It had rained that night, the calm between them having passed. _They’re in the storm now._

 

So Changbin stands there stiffly on the stage, hands fidgeting. There on the stage where the lights are getting too bright for his eyes and where he’s forced to stand still acting as if he’s perfectly fine. Act as if the deafening silence is setting him on edge.

 

_It’s all too quiet; the silence waning on, deafening his ears._

Changbin tries to breathe. Tries to remind himself he’s in front of the cameras, but the fear courses through him, through his lungs and it’s suffocating. He fidgets his fingers against each other, trying to relieve himself of the anxiety building up in his chest. His thoughts flow at rapid sped, doubts firing against each other, the what-ifs created by the situation they’re in- _it’s cruel. Too cruel._

 

He closes his eyes for a moment, muttering hopeless prayers but all that races through his head is the fear he’d lose _him_ again. It almost feels like he’s lost it all and he just- _Changbin can’t breathe._

_Please stay, please, just-_

 

It’s overwhelming.

 

The way the silence soon gets erased by muffled voices that are reminiscent of screams. Changbin flutters his eyes open, confusion settling in as he looks at his members who seem to be yelling something at him, smiles on their faces but he’s not sure what to make of it. Did they make it? Why’s everyone screaming? _Are they staying?_

 

Changbin freezes in his spot and he feels confetti brush against his face, falling from the sky- _they’ve made it?_ No, this seems too good to be true, he _has to make sure._ He searches the stage and finds Felix embracing Chan and he catches a glance of _that_ damned smile.

 

One of those smiles that just make him think _‘fuck, I’ve really fallen deep for you, haven’t I?’_ One of those damned smiles that just make him want to hold him—hold something so precious in his arms. Felix just smiles with so much warmth as if nothing else mattered; blissful joy just seeping through the seams, overflowing. It’s careless and free and it made you feel something, someone would perfectly describe as elation.

 

He’s felt it before and he feels it even more now, right when the gap between them closes.

 

It feels like euphoria when Felix crashes into his arms adorning the largest smile he’s seen Felix wear.

 

Changbin holds onto him; tighter than he ever has and he just feels _so complete._ It almost feels like coming home. He’s never felt so satisfied holding Felix this close. He feels and feels so much all at once and it’s overwhelming, sure, but it doesn’t matter. Not when he’s here in his arms shaking, legs feeling weak from all the excitement. Felix holds onto him for support, laughing under his breath, his joyous relief evident in the way he laughs. Changbin joins in the laughter as he tries to keep Felix from falling to the ground.

 

They don’t even have to speak, the tight embrace and their smiles speak for themselves. Holding him in his arms, it almost feels like coming home. Changbin never wants to let go.

 

But he has to. So, when he does, Felix mutters something near his ear, before leaving to another member. He catches a gist of it, the few words slightly muffled by the screams and the voices on the stage. He’s not sure why he’s chosen to say it when Changbin knows already. _(Changbin makes a mental note to ignore Hyunjin when he breaks out the ‘I told you so’s later._ )

 

Changbin smiles nevertheless.

* * *

 

Changbin knows of the calls Felix makes to his family. It’s been weeks since the show and yet...

 

He hears another disappointed sigh from Felix as he reenters his room.

 

_Another call unanswered…_

 

Changbin sighs, sitting up against the wall, as he turns his phone off and allows Felix to shuffle unto the bed and into his arms. He watches as Felix scrolls through his contacts, then goes back to the one he’s constantly called this entire night. Felix huffs troubled, struggling whether he should try again.

 

“You can call them another time, you know that, right?”

 

Felix doesn’t answer. Changbin raises a brow at this.

 

 _“Hey, it’s alright.”_ Changbin tells him, hoping for some reaction. Instead, he gets another defeated sigh. Changbin lets himself card his fingers through Felix’s hair aimlessly as Felix pulls up a YouTube video only to press pause and switch to listen to music but he turns it off the moment after just a few moment s of letting the song play. The phone is thrown across the bed in frustration and Felix groans, murmuring something under his breath.

 

Changbin bites his lip, unsure what to do and finally stops carding his fingers through his hair.

_“Hyung! Why’d you stop?”_

Changbin tries to not smile and says, _“Hey, you finally said something.”_

 

“You’re being mean, hyung- ugh, _can you just go back to comforting me?”_   it’s funny at how Changbin knows Felix has a frown on his face that just ends with a sigh in defeat, hoping for comfort.

 

“Turn around then-” Changbin frees Felix from his arms wrapped around him. “-and hug me, like you always do, then you can sulk all you want.”

 

“I’m not sulking!” Felix argues and yet he shuffles from his position to turn facing Changbin. He slips his arms lazily around his waist, resting his head against Changbin’s shoulder. Changbin feels Felix go lax the moment he starts listlessly running his fingers through his hair again.

 

Changbin teases him, a lazy smile on his lips. “You’re definitely sulking.”

 

 _“Shut up,”_ Felix whispers the reply, then quickly breaking into a yawn. Felix nuzzles closer, his grip tightening and as the silence continues on, Felix is the first to break the tranquility. It had been so quiet, Changbin was ready to give in to sleep while holding Felix like this. Thinking about it, that didn’t seem like a bad idea, though _just_ simply thinking of it had rendered his cheeks to go red.  

 

“Hyung, I’m alright now, you can sleep if you want,” Felix softly mumbles whilst yawning as he tears from Changbin’s hold on him. Changbin rolls his eyes and tsks in disapproval, “You don’t have to pretend like you’re fine. You can sleep here, you know.” _Stay, he’s really telling him._

 

“I know. _I know that._ I just feel like a bother to everyone.” Changbin looks at him intently and sees trouble taint the light in his eyes. Changbin feels less lost now, compared to when Felix had entered the room. At least he knows now.

 

He huffs disapprovingly and in a low voice, he asks, “You know the others love you, right?” He gets a positive hum.  Changbin feels Felix slip his arms away from his waist and rests them on against his shoulders and then wrapping them around him in an indolent manner. Felix slumps, the exhaustion evident and tries to stop himself from falling, Changbin being his only support.

 

Changbin continues, _“_ You know I love you, right?” _Felix jolts._ He fucking _jolts,_ as if a shock had just run through his skin and his eyes widen. A quick flush dusts his freckled cheeks to which Changbin lets slip a small laugh out, a teasing smile on his face.

 

Felix knows they haven’t said it that often to each other, but there are times. Times like these, where they say it and where Changbin doesn’t feel like he’ll ever get tired of seeing Felix get worked up about it. _(Must be vice versa too, because dear god, Felix has no restraint in saying it. Changbin refuses to think all the other times he’s got just as worked up.)_

 

“So, it’s alright, okay? Everything’s going to be alright.”

 

“Hyung, you’re such a sap, _ohmygod_!” His smile turns into laughter which results in Felix almost losing his balance. Changbin is quick to grab his sides and bring him close to his chest from falling. _This idiot-_

 

When everything’s steady and calm, Changbin’s hands on Felix’s sides steadying him from falling—it’s only then that they realize how close their faces are, noses and lips almost brushing. They jolt a few spaces back and yet the gap was nowhere near from large.

 

They feel their cheeks heat up. Despite all the exhaustion and the urge to close their eyes and fall into the temptation of sleep, they’ve never felt so awake this entire night; they can almost hear their blood rushing and how their breaths hitch. Changbin tries to look away from Felix who tries to do the same, but they fail at doing so, resulting in eyes unintentionally making contact. _He’s just too close. Why are they so close?_

_He was so close that if Changbin leaned in a little bit more he’d be able to-_

Felix leans in and asks, “Hyung, can I be a little selfish right now?”

“Y-yeah, just don’t-” _Don’t do anything stupid like kissing me or I’ll combust._

 

Felix does the exact opposite and the moment it registers in Changbin’s mind, he _almost_ panics.

 

He leans in, closes the gap between them and he presses his lips against Changbin’s.

 

It’s clumsy to say nevertheless; Felix almost misses his lips and it doesn’t even last as long as he’d expect it to. It’s quick, a mere peck of the lips, really, but he doesn’t find himself complaining. Instead he finds that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, one where he preferred it to last longer and where it wasn’t as clumsy. But thinking of _doing it again_ makes butterflies circling his heart flutter.  

 

Felix hides under the hood of his hoodie, nuzzling into Changbin’s neck. _“Hyung, ohmygod, fuck- I ohmygod, I can’t believe I did that.”_

“And you say I’m the sap?” Changbin finds himself laughing at how shy they’ve gotten over _a peck on the lips_. It had only lasted a few seconds and yet here they were, flushed mumbling messes.

 

 _“Are you laughing at me, ohmygod, hyung! Don’t lau- stop laughing!”_ Felix reveals himself and he’s a mess, he’s a goddamn mess- he’s got cheeks that could rival nebulas in space, flushed pink paired with freckles that littered all over his skin like stars. Before he knows it, Felix has joined in the laughter along with him.

 

It’s only a matter of time, before the laughter exhausts them, reminding them they’ve got practice the next morning. They feel the fatigue get to them as their eyelids get heavy whilst the minutes pass by. They separate from each other, falling effortlessly on their sides unto to the bed, grabbing the nearest pillow to rest their heads unto. _~~(Gyu sits there at the edge of the bed, untouched for tonight. It’s fine though.)~~_

 

Closing the distance, Felix snuggles closer to Changbin.

 

 _It’s warm tonight_ , Changbin thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> i may have abused the use of italics in this story, jeez,, 
> 
> please do leave kudos + comments if you liked it! 
> 
> talk to me on:  
> [ my main tumblr](http://starlixx.tumblr.com/) | [my tumblr [writing]](https://chrischaa.tumblr.com/)  
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/ilhaneuncha)


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